I was thinking recently about the capable women I work with and something struck me. Many of them are the people who hold everything together. They’re the ones who remember the birthdays, organise the appointments, keep family life running smoothly and somehow manage to juggle the demands of work, home and everything in between. They are dependable and caring. If something needs doing, they will usually find a way to make it happen. On the surface, this sounds like a positive thing. After all, these are qualities that most of us value. But I am wondering if there’s a hidden cost.

Why Capable Women Feel Lost Despite Being Strong

I’m not talking about the obvious cost of feeling tired or overwhelmed from time to time. Most of us would recognise that. I’m talking about something deeper. I think that when we’ve spent years being the person who holds everything together, it can quietly become part of the story we tell ourselves about who we are. We begin to see ourselves as the strong one, the responsible one, the person who copes. The person who doesn’t need help. The person who keeps going no matter what.

The trouble is that once a role becomes part of our identity, it can be surprisingly difficult to step out of it. We become so focused on supporting everybody else that we stop noticing ourselves. Over time, we push our own needs to the bottom of the list, we postpone our dreams until a later date, and our own wellbeing becomes something we’ll get around to when life feels a little less busy. The problem, of course, is that life rarely becomes less busy. There is always another demand, another responsibility, another reason why now isn’t the right time.

Over time, something else begins to happen. We become so accustomed to being capable women for everybody else that we stop checking in with ourselves. We stop asking what we need, what we want or what would bring us joy. And we become experts at responding to other people’s priorities whilst losing touch with our own. Not because we’ve made bad choices or lacked ambition, but because we’ve become so practised at putting ourselves last that it starts to feel normal.

How Capable Women Lose Themselves in Tiny Pieces

One of the questions I often ask my clients is this: where are you choosing yourself? It’s a simple question, but not always an easy one to answer. Many women don’t lose themselves all at once. They disappear in tiny pieces. A compromise here, a postponed dream there, a quiet decision to put somebody else’s needs ahead of their own. None of these things seems particularly significant in the moment, yet over time they can create a growing distance between who we are and who we want to be.

Reconnecting With Yourself When You Feel Lost

The encouraging thing is that reconnecting with yourself happens in exactly the same way. Not through one dramatic decision that changes everything overnight, but through a series of small choices that gradually bring you back to yourself. A boundary that needs to be set. A conversation that needs to be had. A dream that deserves to be taken seriously. A need that deserves to be honoured. A step that has been waiting to be taken.

Being the one who holds everything together isn’t the problem. The world needs caring, capable women and there is something rather wonderful about being someone people can rely on. The problem comes when we become so busy holding everyone else together that we lose touch with ourselves in the process.

You can care deeply about other people and still choose yourself. That means, you can support others without abandoning your own needs. You can be dependable, generous and kind without making yourself the last item on your own list. And perhaps that’s the real invitation. Not to stop caring for other people, but to remember that you matter too.

After all, becoming the leading lady in your own life doesn’t mean caring less about everyone else. It means caring enough about yourself to make sure you don’t disappear from your own story.

If this resonates and you’d appreciate a free 30 minute session with me to talk about how you can put yourself first, drop me a line here.

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